In May of 2019, I was blackmailed by a woman who had recorded a
sex tape of herself pegging me from behind, which she had taken without my
knowledge or consent.
While the sex we had, was consensual, casual sex. The taping was
not spoken about, and was recorded on her phone from a nightstand.
She threatened; (several days after the sex,) to send the video
to my parents, to my wife, and to my workplace. She demonstrated that she had
my home address, the address of my parents, and the address of my job; which
she had obtained, by looking through my wallet, while I was in the bathroom.
She asked for money. $500
She scared me.
She sent me snippets of the recorded video which she intended to
send to everyone.
My “wife” (who she named) was really my female platonic roommate,
who I was living with at the time.
We weren't married. That was something my blackmailer was mistaken
about, but the tape getting into the hands of my boss and my parents would be
disastrous, especially considering the type of (unconventional) sex that
we were having. The release of such a tape would not yield good results for me.
The taping and possible release was non consensual.
It was incredibly slimy, and it could cause problems in my life.
But at the time the threat was made I wasn’t thinking about the
ethics.
I was really scared. My heart was palpitating.
I thought about capitulating.
Then, I realized that there was no way that even if I sent this
woman money that she would ever stop asking for more. Maybe she would. But I
realized I had very little control.
So I stopped, gathered my thoughts, excused myself from work for
the rest of the day and thought about my options.
At 7 PM I called my boss, I told him that he might receive a
package, an email or a CD, with a video, which wasn't the type of thing that he
would typically receive by mail or email in the line of work we were in. I
asked that if he did get such a thing, that he should be careful watching it.
And I told him about the kind of things that it might contain.
He said that I should be more careful in the future, but that
any type of such material that he received would not compromise me, or my
standing within the company, he thanked me for my honesty.
I didn't get into the specifics of the fact that I was getting
buttfucked. I didn't need to go there.
I then had the same conversation with my parents who were
obviously disappointed and chastised me endlessly.
I then had the same conversation with my roommate, which was
definitely the easiest part because, she didn't give a shit, and we quickly
started laughing at the fact that this criminal mastermind obviously did some
kind of information inquiry into me and thought that my roommate was actually my
wife.
Having talked to all these people, I texted the blackmailing bitch
(who had been spamming my phone all day) back saying: -
Hey, go ahead, send it to anyone you want. I don't give a shit.
I called the police the next day and reported her address, phone
number, and the name that she had given me when we met.
There was also credit card fraud involved (my card was not
stolen just my numbers). So I needed to file a report after talking to my bank.
I met the bitch on the subway, going home from work. I had
changed before leaving, and she started talking to me because I was wearing a
funny shirt, and About 5 to 10 minutes later my horny/kinky ass, somehow told
her about my sexual proclivities, and she asked if I wanted to get dinner, so I got off the
train.
She seemed like she was hard on the times so I offered to pay for
dinner, throughout which she disclosed that she was into the same thing that I
was, but from the other end. She seemed nervous, in a cute way, and maybe
even a little out of it. We smoked weed, and she might have been “self-medicating”,
but I honestly didn't think much of it, because these things happen.
It was casual sex. I should have been more careful, but at no
point during our actual intercourse, or “date” did anything raise any red flags.
What's important here is what she tried to do several days
later.
Which was to isolate me from my parents, from my “wife”, from my
job, she tried to make me feel scared and vulnerable and out of options.
She tried to leverage her advantage over me. An advantage I had
to eventually resign she had.
I think the thing that pulled me through wasn't some kind of
courage, but it was a previously learned lesson.
A lesson in SPITE.
While I acknowledge the
privilege that I had with having a semi understanding boss, a cool
roommate/"wife" and parents that (while very angry) didn’t kill me over
this sort of thing; ultimately, it was my willingness to risk my comfort that
secured me the levity that I needed at the moment
She harassed me for a little bit longer; calling what she
thought was my bluff and then realizing she wasn't getting money from me and that
she was being investigated by the police and the credit card authority, she
stopped contacting me.
Now, I'm no famous musician.
I'm not selling out stadium concerts, but then again she wasn't Robert
Kraft.
She wasn't an Epstein Class stadium owner and she didn't have
billions at her disposal.
My game was in a different ballpark….or stadium.
Still, when I read about the way that Ed Sheeran crumbled under
pressure, I thought about two things.
The first thing I pondered was how he was on the wrong side of
the political divide, the wrong side of morality, wrong side of being a friend,
and the wrong side of history..
I'm not going to get into that here though.
Free
The second thing I thought of is that all that aside, he is also
a coward.
I don't say that as someone who judges him, I understand cowardice;
I've been a coward before myself.
While I definitely despise his political takes and his weasely
backbonelessness in trying to play the both sides rhetoric, I don't hate him
for giving into fear.
I remembered what it was like to have power leveraged over you, both
from my personal experiences and from the experiences of others both in history
and in my life.
I also don't hate
everyone who doesn't hold the same “Incredibly virtuous” “politically correct” opinions that I hold.
I used to have really bad politics, and the “good takes I have”
come from people and experiences helping me develop good morals, often
requiring mutual time investment, and painful disagreements
You don't have to have saintly politics.
But there's a third option.
Between good politics and love on one side. and hate and fear on
the other. There's a third option, SPITE.
Spite, is an incredibly important quality to have. I recommend
it for everyone.
The next day when we were at work, my boss asked me about the
situation and I went into a few more details about it.
My boss then told me to text her back, and to tell her that if
she sent a video to my job it will be treated like sexual harassment of the
entire business, and then that he will sue her in addition to helping me sue
her for harassment.
I then posted about the blackmail on Facebook, and the top
request/comment I received from the people on my wall was that we should get
together and “crowdfund” the tape and that we should offer to buy the tape and
throw a screening party.
Suddenly the entire thing became a joke.
It lost all power over me
Ed Sheeran has $400 million dollars.
The best I was able to do was to get out of the situation I was
in relatively (shaken but) unscarred.
His butt could have turned this whole situation upside fucking
down.
You think what’s currently happening is bad PR for Robert Kraft?
I can’t even begin to tell you the kind of shenanigans, this guy
could have pulled if he had me whispering sweet nothings into his ear.
If he had instead chosen to work with his friend of 13 years,
against a billionaire, Epstein list, Trump voting, massage parlor tug job
receiving Zionist. It would be epic.
Sinéad O'Connor got a bunch of shit for her,
take. Dolly Parton, faced her level of criticism too, but now both of them are
dead and they're remembered as much for their music, as they are for their political
stances. Same with Muhammad Ali, who's now beloved by every fucking white Southerner who
would have hated him, had they been alive at the time.
It's really hard to convey and teach good politics to people,
politics is confusing and hard and life is busy and things are often
multifaceted and complicated.
But teaching spite is easy.
Here it goes - If you are
ever put in a position where someone has tried to put leverage or their power
over you, or they're trying to isolate or gaslight you or if they are trying to
get non consensual things from you, for their benefit because they have some
kind of power or leverage over you.
Don't panic.
Sit and think
Don't think about how poorly your life will go IF these things
happen.
Assume the worst WILL happen. And start planning your
revenge.
Or at least plan to get out of the situation alive and unharmed.
Focus on causing a ruckus.
On another note, as someone who's worked with several “Hr
departments”, both for my job and for various other organizations, including at
kink venues, let me tell you one thing about HR which I learned.
If you can't control the narrative or you are not sure what to
do, don’t say or do shit.
Wait until you do.
You don't owe anyone an explanation for why you are doing
things,
And you certainly don't owe anyone immediacy in your
action.
That's one of the funniest things about this whole Ed Sheeran
thing.
He acted rashly. He fell into the isolation trap set up for him,
and then he fell into the cover your ass PR/HR trap,
If he had been calm about the cancelation threat, he could have
prolonged this into a very painful, slow process, Uno reverse political move that
hurt the very people trying to leverage him, more than they could ever hurt
him.
Robert Kraft could have been the only bad guy here.
Macklemore didn’t win because he stood alone. He won because he
was on the right side of history and because he only acted when he was sure
what he was doing.
Maybe they would have lost a concert or 2, but the damage done
to the billionaire class would have been much higher.
From a non political stand point this situation was very black
and white. (Politically it was black and white too but, that’s for another
time).
Ben chose the right side politically and tactically. Ed chose
the wrong side
Now often these situations don't occur in such clear parameters,
sometimes cases are really complex and grey, and sometimes Both parties are
pretty amicable, or both pretty wretched.
Sometimes its best not to take sides or to explain the side you
take.
Something I learned from being a trustee at the Philly Music
Hall, is that when someone asks for your opinion about someone “who got in
trouble”, you don't have to tell them what your opinion is, and you don't have
to tell them whether you still support the person or in what way, or why.
You don't have to explain yourself.
When you join Kink, they say that “No is a complete sentence”.
Well, no applies to sexual acts like pegging and bondage, and “no”
applies to not giving someone the explanation that they might want.
You don't have to explain why you don't want to go on a date
with the “nice guy”, from work, you don't have to explain why you don't want to
be pegged by your girlfriend and you don't have to explain why you're still talking
to the guy who, maybe for very legitimate reasons, has been ousted from the
community.
No, is a complete sentence, and you should know when to use it
and when to be transparent,
That doesn't mean that that you should make safe spaces for bad
people and that doesn't mean that you should hide your relations with bad
people, and that doesn't mean that you should welcome unwelcomed people into
public spaces, or that you should excuse consent violators, but sometimes it's
better not to say anything in a multifaceted situation. Its definitely better
then trying to play both sides and have both sides chew you out.
I want to triple, convey that when I say this, I'm not excusing
allowing predators into the scene. I am talking about responding under pressure
in both complex and straightforward situations.
This whole writing is about knowing when to respond, when not to
respond, and when to use SPITE
Finally, if you're someone who does HR professionally or as an
event organizer, please read the statements Macklemore made.
They are a masterclass, of surgical level, precision missiles of
how to write and how to keep control over your narrative.
He's an immaculate communicator, and I say this as someone who
has worked for lawyers who don't know how to communicate as well.
He is also politically correct.
So remember to keep spite in your pocket like you do your
cellphone and
FREE
